Pain Pain Go Away. Or Not.

My mother has always been one of those people with low tolerance for pain, both physical & emotional. She’d do anything to avoid & numb it. As a result, I was given very little space to feel any negative emotions growing up. And although I’m a naturally happy cheerful person, I have my days (surprise surprise!).

As a child my family suffered some major losses; the murder of young cousin, tragic death of another. If that weren’t enough, when I was 14 years old my best friend committed suicide following an argument with her Mom. It was devastating for me on so many levels, the pain & confusion were quite overwhelming at times. I was never asked how I was feeling, never given the opportunity to talk about my loss, and certainly not cry or show any negative emotions to anyone.

I look around me now and see so many people who go to such great lengths to avoid any kind of pain. If you think about it, all addictions are a form of pain avoidance. Alcohol, drugs, work, sex, etc. Not to mention less dangerous distractions like TV, shopping, food. You get my drift. We’re a society of present hedonists who would do anything to feel good right now. Never mind what happens tomorrow.

It’s hard to teach an old dog new tricks and break some of these unhealthy habits. It’s taken me years of reflection and personal work to come to a place where negative emotions are just as welcome in my life. Bring it on, I can take it!

I’ve talked about this before, but I get so totally frustrated and annoyed with happiness experts, including many who advocate the Law of Attraction, when they put such an emphasis on being positive & cheerful all the time. The allure is powerful, who doesn’t want to be happy after all? Yet, I happen to believe that the more people force themselves to be happy, the more depressed they become.

For me personally, being pressured to be happy brings back memories of having to put on a happy face as a child. I didn’t like it then and I sure don’t like it now!

It was only today, after a difficult conversation with my mother, that I connected some of these dots together. AHA, I now get why I’m so protective of my freedom to feel whatever I want to feel at that moment. For me the only way out of it is through it. I also get why my Mom’s inability to cope with pain only heightened my need to find ways to deal with my own.

Hey who ever said that being a positive fabulous woman was easy?

Awesome Fun

Ahhh finally coming up for air! After a period of intense stress (planning for a big event, Dad in hospital & bad cold) this week feels like a whole fresh start in many ways. I have an added dose of energy and bounce in my step, wooohoo! Oh and just to make things interesting it’s a balmy 35 degrees outside (not shabby for May in Toronto!).

So I’m feeling good, ready to kick back and enjoy the weeks ahead. Too much work and not nearly enough play makes for a cranky and stressed-out Katia, and that’s not good when you’re known for being a positive fabulous woman (oh the expectations!). Funny as one of my new year’s resolutions was to have more fun, and I’m just getting around to it, almost the end of May. Oh well, better late than never!

Seeing I’ve been reading the Book of Awesome, I’m feeling inspired to write some awesome lists of what fun is for me. Stay tuned.

Stillness

So as I woke up this morning, feeling a tired & groggy after a night out, I headed down to my kitchen to prepare coffee and breakfast. I reached for the remote control, and then decided that I was going to have a quiet noise-free morning instead. You see, I grew up in a religious family and as a child and until my late 30’s, Good Friday was a very solemn day for me. And although I have taken a different path over the last few years, I still enjoy the opportunity to be reflective and quiet on this day.

As I reached for the coffee, I paused and decided to get some warm water & fresh lemon instead. I sat down on the couch, sipping slowly and quieting my mind. The feeling of peace and gratitude was overwhelming as I started taking deep breaths and feeling my body relax and surrender to the moment.

I know that for me, although I try to practice moment-to-moment presence and stay connected to my core at all times, I often feel pulled in a million different directions, so staying centred and focused can be a challenge at times.

My new resolution, at least for the next 5 weeks, is to take 5 minutes everyday to observe my breath, listen to the birds and smell the roses!

Enjoy the Easter weekend. And watch out for those bunnies!

Time travel

I just got back from a beautiful sound journey evening led by the very talented Ann-Marie Boudreau. As the lights dimmed and I lay flat on my back with my eyes closed, I felt my body dissolve as the musicians went around the room and gently tantalized our ears with magical sounds played with very unique instruments. After a few minutes of random brain activity, I found myself going back and re-living some key moments of my childhood years. I could hear the sounds, see the faces and feel the emotions. Waves of emotions were washing over me, and I felt joy, anger, grief, sadness, forgiveness and finally peace. I suddenly felt tears running down myself, and a sense of relief that felt so liberating and I lay there with a smile on my face. All I could feel at that point was an overwhelming sense of love for everyone and everything.

One thing I know for sure: every single person and experience has come into life for a reason and has contributed to getting me where I am today. I am so grateful for all the bumps along the way. It wasn’t exactly a smooth ride, but all part of my soul journey, so all good!

Coming clean

So I’ve fallen off the wagon, again. I’m embarrassed to admit it and don’t yet fully understand why it happens. ok before your imagination starts running wild, I should tell you that I’m referring to my writing & blogging. My life has been hectic over the last couple of months and I’ve had a really hard time getting to that place of calm to re-connect with my core to allow my creative juices to flow freely. And the truth is I’ve struggled with a few issues in the last little while; some old fears and doubts have suddenly re-surfaced, I’ve felt disconnected from my core more than I would like, and have distanced myself from some of my friends and family. The chatter in my head has been ongoing, irritating and frankly annoying!

Rather than resist it and fight my less-than-fabulous state, I tried to accept and allow myself to feel the pain and confusion instead. I spent a lot of time simply being, going where the emotions led me, while at times tried to gently steer myself to a place that felt familiar and safe. I found myself craving alone time and spiritual reading, and recognized that this was a definite sign that a part of me needed nourishment and care.

Like most things in life, it passed. I’m grateful of what I experienced and for all the insights and lessons. It’s all part of this magnificent journey we call life. I’m so very excited about the next chapter of my journey.  Like many of you, I have some really big plans and great ideas for 2010, and it would be an honour to share my reflections it with you, so I hope you stick around!

Much love,

K.

Love me tender

Why is it that so many positive fabulous beautiful successful women who seem to have it all, struggle and often fall when it comes to romantic relationships?

ok let me start off by saying that I’m no expert on relationships, although I certainly have had my share of them over the years. I have been married, I’ve been in a few relationships since the end of my marriage; both serious and casual. And after spending my entire adult life either in a relationship, looking for one or recovering from one, I reached a point in my life a couple of years ago where I knew I had to stop. I decided that I was enough, had enough and that I didn’t need a man to complete me or even enhance my life. That choice created an amazing space in my life that has allowed me to take on all sorts of new endeavors and has given me access to live my life from a true place of power and freedom.

I have some great friends, family and of course my children. I have created a business that I love. I feel connected and fulfilled. I live my life with passion and zest. My cup is oh-so-full. And yes I have learned to spend fun quality time alone. I truly enjoy my own company and am not scared to spend a Saturday night by myself. Oh the freedom! I’m often asked if I’m at least open to a relationship, and for now the answer is no. I’m simply not interested in relationships right now. And likely for the next few years of my life. Forever is a really long time, so I won’t go there. This wonderful feeling is just too good to give up. I know that for me, relationships can shift my priorities and cause me endless mental distraction that get in the way of living my life with presence and peace.

ok so I recognize that I’ve taken a radical position and I’m not suggesting that all women follow suit, but I do wish more would stop and really straight with themselves — to approach the pursuit of a partner from a place of want rather than need, to really believe that they are whole, perfect and complete. Not just say those words but feel it in your bones and take consistent actions. Instead many of us continue to make excuses for guys, to wait for calls/emails that never come (or come late), especially after you’ve been physically intimate, to feel that knot in your stomach when you realize that this person is not as much into you as you are into him, to be completely in love with someone and not know how they feel about you, to hear that they’re not ready for commitment when you’re already making wedding plans in your head, to be seeking that deep emotional connection that never comes. You know what I’m talking about, so feel free to add to the list.

Statistics tell us that most marriages don’t last — and of those that do many are not exactly “happy”? And then there’s infidelity, emotional & physical abuse and all of that. So why do we continue to search for love even when it hurts? Why is it that so many of us who won’t take crap from friends, family and colleagues, are content settling for mediocre treatment from the men we date? Why do we continue to settle for less than we know we deserve? Why do we justify & tolerate unacceptable behaviour in the name of love? Why do we get caught up in waiting games? Hmm is it because we live in a society that views single women as incomplete? is it low self-worth and the fear of being alone and lonely? perhaps the powerful romantic images of happily-ever-after and soul-mates just too hard to resist? are we simply wired that way?

Your thoughts?

The ebb and the flow

I remember a few years ago I was sharing some personal challenges I was experiencing with a friend, and he looked at me and told me that I just had to ride the wave, and explained how life seems to unfold in a series of ups and downs. So true, isn’t it? Whenever I find myself really frustrated or impatient, I remind myself that I just have to ride the wave and things will get better. On the other hand, when things are going well and I’m feeling a bit over-confident, I know that I need to savour that feeling because chances are it won’t last forever either. Yep, as the saying goes, this too shall pass!

I have just come out of a period of my life where I have been really challenged as I juggled some really big project and faced some set-backs. I found myself really frustrated and impatient at times, questioning and doubting people and things. What saved me were my strong core values and complete trust in my intuition. Decisions that might have seemed really difficult to some were actually quite easy to make, because I am so very clear on what I stand for and what I’m committed to accomplishing. I also kept reminding myself that it was a phase, that I just had to stick it out, do the right thing and things will turn around.

Like many others, I can get so caught up with things and forget how things almost always works out just fine, I just need to let go and ride the wave…whooohhooo!!!

Creepy Confession

So I have a confession to make, one that might appear weird or creepy to some. And is certainly not what people expect of a positive fabulous woman to be doing! Are you ready to hear it? ok here it goes: I enjoy reading obituaries in the newspaper. I find reading about the people who pass on, especially the younger ones, instantly gives me perspective and brings me back to what’s really important in my life. In just a few minutes, I am reminded of how insignificant some of my daily struggles and challenges truly are. So what if I don’t ever catch up with all my email? and what if the laundry waits a couple more days? Is it really critical that I call people back right away? At the end of the day, who really cares…as long as the kids are happy and healthy, and I’m semi-sane. I eventually get the important things done! Right?

This reminds me of one of the most important AHA moments in my life. I attended a funeral several years ago of someone I worked with who died tragically in an accident. The church was filled to capacity and you could sense the loss everyone was feeling. It made me pause and ask myself a question that I’ve asked myself many times since, “when I die, what will people say about me in my eulogy?”.  I knew that they’d say that I was a good person, a loving mother and a loyal friend. Those are all really important things, but I also knew that I wanted to leave a powerful legacy behind that goes beyond my immediate friends and family. It got me thinking, and I started creating my life backwards. If I wanted to be remembered for being  adventurous, passionate and a risk-taker, then why wait to live life that way? It’s not easy creating a life by design, but if you do the work and know who you are, what you want to leave behind and how you’d like to be remembered, it really eliminates much of the fluff and gets you focused on the big stuff. Nothing good comes easy, but oh the rewards can be quite amazing!

Growing pains

Arghhhh, I have to admit that I haven’t been feeling too positive or fabulous the last few days…expectations, challenges, growing pains, bumps, detours, etc. While I know this is all “normal” and part of everybody’s journey, a part of me feels angry, disappointed, frustrated…and yes, challenged to stay positive and fabulous! Oh the expectations!

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my share of loss and pain over the years…as much if not more than the average woman. I have struggled with the belief that nothing comes easily to me, that I have to suffer to get what I want in life. Yet the last couple of years things seemed to have shifted, and I was starting to let go of that negative self-limiting belief. Everything has been going right, things coming my way every day, feeling totally on top on my game. Then come the pains of growing a business and taking it to the next level, a couple of hiccups….and BAM, I’m back to my old friend, that familiar voice that tells me that life is a struggle, that I have to suffer in order to get what I want. Ugh, go away you stupid monster, leave me alone and let me find my own way. After all, I am a Positive Fabulous Woman. Oh yes I am.

This too shall pass.

Commitment without attachment

My head has been spinning lately with the launch of the website, planning all sorts of events, working with sponsors, etc. I can honestly say that I’ve never had this much on my plate. But gosh I love it, so not complaining. The only “problem” is that I’m trying so hard to practise detachment, and that is so hard to do when you’re as committed and devoted to something like I am about my work.  Everyday I take a few minutes to be still, breathe and be grateful for all that I’m blessed with. And everyday I ask for guidance on how to let go and detach of the outcome while feeling so totally committed to the cause.  Living in the moment is awesome, but I’m finding it harder and harder as the love intensifies and the passion deepens. Tough stuff I tell you. But this is my spiritual practice as much as it is my work, so it’s all part of the journey. Ok back to work now!

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