Pain Pain Go Away. Or Not.
July 23, 2010 by Master-User
Filed under Katia's Blog
My mother has always been one of those people with low tolerance for pain, both physical & emotional. She’d do anything to avoid & numb it. As a result, I was given very little space to feel any negative emotions growing up. And although I’m a naturally happy cheerful person, I have my days (surprise surprise!).
As a child my family suffered some major losses; the murder of young cousin, tragic death of another. If that weren’t enough, when I was 14 years old my best friend committed suicide following an argument with her Mom. It was devastating for me on so many levels, the pain & confusion were quite overwhelming at times. I was never asked how I was feeling, never given the opportunity to talk about my loss, and certainly not cry or show any negative emotions to anyone.
I look around me now and see so many people who go to such great lengths to avoid any kind of pain. If you think about it, all addictions are a form of pain avoidance. Alcohol, drugs, work, sex, etc. Not to mention less dangerous distractions like TV, shopping, food. You get my drift. We’re a society of present hedonists who would do anything to feel good right now. Never mind what happens tomorrow.
It’s hard to teach an old dog new tricks and break some of these unhealthy habits. It’s taken me years of reflection and personal work to come to a place where negative emotions are just as welcome in my life. Bring it on, I can take it!
I’ve talked about this before, but I get so totally frustrated and annoyed with happiness experts, including many who advocate the Law of Attraction, when they put such an emphasis on being positive & cheerful all the time. The allure is powerful, who doesn’t want to be happy after all? Yet, I happen to believe that the more people force themselves to be happy, the more depressed they become.
For me personally, being pressured to be happy brings back memories of having to put on a happy face as a child. I didn’t like it then and I sure don’t like it now!
It was only today, after a difficult conversation with my mother, that I connected some of these dots together. AHA, I now get why I’m so protective of my freedom to feel whatever I want to feel at that moment. For me the only way out of it is through it. I also get why my Mom’s inability to cope with pain only heightened my need to find ways to deal with my own.
Hey who ever said that being a positive fabulous woman was easy?
Thanks for this great post Katia. You might want to check out the book When the Body Says No by Gabor Mate. It’s all about how stress affects the body, and deals a lot with respression in association to different diseases. It’s pretty fascinating stuff.
I totally agree. Life is all about accepting the highs and the lows and what the low periods do is offer an oppoortunity for taking stock and growing beyond our current habits and thinking patterns which no longer serve our higher selves. The very nature of life is that we will encounter both crisis and victory and it is who we are in the midst of both that will speak volumes. If we deny this, then we deny the truth about life. Thank you for being so candid.
Katia,
I totally agree. The pressure to be positive all the time is too much. When I saw your blog post, I was struggling with a sore throat and trying to force myself out the door, because it’s what ‘positive’ people do, just keep going. I”m much easier on myself now.
Like you, I’ve learned to respect my body’s signal to rest or to feel whatever not so great feelings I”m experiencing right now.
The more I grow, the more I realize that the goal is not to get more positive, but to get more real. As a result, life gets better and better.
Hey, Katia!
I found your blog through Jillian Walker, and love this post! I totally agree with you. We need to acknowledge our negative emotions and then take it a step further to understand what triggers those emotions.
This is exactly why I am working on my latest project, The Truth About Stuff That Sucks. It’s about giving people space and permission to acknowledge and embrace stuff that sucks as they go through life, using this as a stepping stone, a platform to really digging in and figuring out the truth about the stuff that sucks and providing them strategies and tools for getting over, around it (or through) and ahead of all things sucky.
The site is live but not really “public” just yet, as it’s still being developed. Once I launch, I’d love to talk to you about maybe sharing your thoughts/story on the site!
Congrats on being one of the lucky ones who has learned to embrace all of herself! Yea, you!! And thanks for sharing it with others too!
Keep it real,
Shannon