Release

I leaned against a very large tree the other day. I molded my entire back into its skin. I connected with its bark (not bite) and felt its deep, unwavering stability. It supported me fully and easily. It was a really good feeling.

This time of year the leaves are letting go. Their beautiful colours float downward and rest in the earth. Nature teaches us that releasing control is natural. So why do I (and maybe you?) find letting go tricky?

Do you ever attempt to control situations? Have you ever thought this: “If it’s not done by me it won’t be done right”? What about the things you really care about? What about the circumstances where you would be devastated if they didn’t work out the way you preferred?

Right before leaning against that big old tree, I was in a controlling mood. I was knee-deep in projects that I was trying to stay on top of. I was sinking fast while trying to figure out how to do everything quickly and immaculately well. I wanted 100% control over every aspect of the projects including the process and people involved with them. I had a bone in my teeth that I wouldn’t let go of. It was all because of her: my inner drill sergeant.

Luckily for the people in my life my inner drill sergeant doesn’t often bother others (except those closest to me). Usually she just harasses me: “What do you mean you want a nap Aynsley?? You have stuff to do! Now get back to work!” When my inner drill sergeant calls the shots she’s really tough to be around. I can’t say I like this woman.

The quickest way out is always through, so I took a walk and ended up beside a magnificent tree. I leaned against it and started to listen (not to her). I listened to the sky and to my inner self. I breathed in the autumn air and heard that I was scared. I heard that my tendency toward trying to control situations (projects, events, meetings, you name it), and my desire to want to make everything perfect, was covering up a deep fear. This fear related to my sense of self-worth.

I realized that my sense of self-worth was tied to project completions and achievements. I was afraid to fail, I was scared to not live up to my own standards and I was worried that others would think less of me if I stumbled. But the kicker was that I was mostly scared because I thought that if I did not live up to my own expectations, *I* would be nothing. No wonder I felt the need to control outcomes!

It’s not always fun to listen deeply. But I strongly believe that it’s harder not to. I could have kept up the rat race by attempting to control my unconscious fear by finishing projects quickly. But I would have only repeated the cycle with the next project. Instead, I took a deep breath and decided to look inward – which made me feel vulnerable and very human. And yet, I also felt strong and clear when I realized what I was dealing with.

I know that having high standards for myself isn’t terrible. I like doing things to the best of my abilities and I’m sure other people can relate. But I’ve learned that my efforts need to be grounded in love, for myself and for my projects, not driven by fear-based motivations. I’ve learned that when I start to hear that rigid woman marching inside me I’ve got to stop, breathe and let go. I’ve also decided that one day soon I’m going to do something really badly just to show myself I’ve got permission to!

I wish I was able to integrate a complete sense of my true self-worth overnight. Unfortunately our bodies live in a time-space continuum and it’s not always easy to undo beliefs that we’ve accumulated over decades. But I’ve started the journey. Even in the midst of the hustle and bustle I’m going to gently remind myself that my worth is not tied to anything. I’m going to remember the message of the tree: “Let go. Be supported. You can be still and be worthy.” Projects, life, and well pretty much everything is so much easier knowing my worth is immeasurable. So is yours.

Processes for reflection:

Take a walk. Breathe in the air. Let the wind revive you and lean up against a tree. Really lean against it with your full weight. I like to do this while standing but you can also sit against it with your back to it if you like. If you sit you will notice that you will also feel supported by the ground.

Imagine giving your cares and problems to the tree. Experience how good it feels to let the tree support you so easily and effortlessly. Ask for answers if you would like them. Breathe in and out and let your mind focus on your breathing.

Listen. Listen. Listen. Just continue breathing and letting your mind drift. Or if possible keep your mind focused on your breathing. Notice your feelings. Absorb any answers or impressions that come to you. Acknowledge everything. Then imagine your mind as lighter, carefree. Let your mind feel like the wind through the trees. Notice how you feel after your tree session (and don’t forget to thank the tree for being with you).

Bonus Process

The next time you’re caught in a controlling mood, stop. Become aware of where you are. Don’t try to stop your desire for control, just note where you are. How does it feel? Where is your need for control stemming from? Look deeper. What is your need for control covering up? What other part of you wants to be heard? Listen gently. Be kind to yourself.

Aynsley Saxe has been practicing Reiki since the year 2000 and is a registered Reiki Master/Teacher with the Canadian Reiki Association. As the founder of Open Essence, Aynsley facilitates private Reiki treatments, community Reiki shares, and dynamic Reiki workshops. Committed to living with purpose, passion and well-being, Aynsley inspires others to deepen their self-awareness through her engaging “Thought of the Month” columns. Visit www.openessence.ca for more information.