You & Prince Swagger: Outsmarting the Bad Guys…

By Kirti Holmes

When tireless lothario Jude Law recently declared that “women like bad boys…..being a good boy never worked for me,” I was reminded of my friend Jennie,* who a few months ago dumped her sensitive and romantic boyfriend in a microsecond, for someone who made a locker room of jocks look like a bunch of choir boys in comparison. Jennie’s fling lasted a grand total of three months but what a time it was, skipping out on obligations and routines for spur of the moment rendezvous and trysts at any time of the day or night, at places she had never before frequented. Life suddenly seemed more like an adventure playground instead of bland events and tasks.

This desire for newness in life is just one of the reasons why some women find themselves caught up in a whirlwind with an exciting, arrogant man who just doesn’t give a damn as he zealously pursues his own interests in life. The fact is, however, that relying on someone else to bring change, excitement, purpose or challenge to your life is not going to be as lasting and joyful as creating those things for yourself.

The following are the top four traits of a typical bad-guy (discovered in my counselling practice) and what your attraction to a Casanova can reveal about you:

* Excitement: Confident and cavalier, bad-guys appear to live life to the fullest, pursuing pleasure and adventure, ignoring rules and regulations.

What you may really be seeking is simply a break from routine. When tired and stressed, we tend to be more vulnerable to superficial diversions that seem to promise immediate excitement. Try creating more balance in your life; boredom and stress are symptoms of imbalance. Start now to pursue the dream that has been on the backburner for too long. Find out what inspires you, and then identify the steps to achieve them.

* Chosen one: Bad-guys have liaisons galore, and so they can take you or leave you. So you tell yourself that if he decides to take you, it must be because he recognizes something special in you, something uniquely attractive. Lord Byron, the famous eighteenth century poet, was a global cad and yet created the most romantic poetry ever written. But most bad guys are unromantic souls, and not interested in confirming your true worth.

Become fully aware of your own self-worth, in its entirety. This positive personal inventory takes effort at first for many women, but the moment will arrive when it becomes your effortless modus operandi.

* Haunting Mystery: When married German heiress Susanne Klatten met a cosmopolitan James Bond type whilst on vacation, she succumbed because his apparent sadness “stirred a feeling in me that we had something in common.” Unfortunately, he turned out to be a conning gigolo, more mercenary than melancholy.

Perhaps what you are seeking is an outlet for your nurturing side, or a sense of kinship for your own sadness – or both, as in Susanne’s case. About one in every four women experiences depression or anxiety at some time. Stay aware of how you are feeling and how your behaviour is being influenced by those emotions. Seek professional support when you need it. Make self-nurture one of your life-long priorities.

* Rebellious: Bringing the bad-guy home to meet the family would be like introducing them to Hugh Hefner. Lingering resentments from childhood can prompt such acts of defiance. Another reaction to family dysfunction is the constant seeking of approval and affirmation. Almost all behaviours have their roots in childhood, and resolving them can take time. Be patient and accepting of yourself. Keep in mind that resentments are burdens that weigh us down, so travel lightly and you will get much further.

Of course, there are many types of people that can be a challenge in our lives. When we hand power over our happiness to someone else, it is impossible to feel whole and authentic. Our inner compass will keep spinning, trying to point us back to a true sense of self-worth, which is always the starting point of all positive changes in life.

* Name changed

Kirti Holmes is a counsellor based in Toronto & Oakville. She can be reached at (416)605-5931 or info@kirtiholmes.com. Visit her website at www.kirtiholmes.com